Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.

Sure, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, town Traditionally known for historic tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.

"It will be great. Tremendous!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed through the Placing inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."

Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and fully away from spot. Intended by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower features:

A three-flooring Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour till the drone flies")

And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable drinking water. But Of course, guaranteed, let us have A further spot wherever American Gentlemen can wear robes and call it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, needless to say."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. international plan analysts are contacting this essentially the most audacious peace attempt considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While earlier negotiations failed beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is simpler: give Everybody a suite on the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.

According to files printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is tender electric power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."

Just what the Critics Are Screaming

International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a Trump Tower Damascus tower inside a war zone. It truly is that he ought to end applying it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the undertaking, replied, "You already know, person, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Good individuals. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit on the Levant."

Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping varieties a giant Trump head visible from Place, a characteristic becoming promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and the chin is… perfectly, labeled.

Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits right after finding the making's gold plating reflected a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.

"It can be not just unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.

The Melania Wing and Other Baffling Attributes

Probably the strangest ingredient in the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:

A silent atrium where by visitors may well ponder imprecise disappointment

A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with local weather Management established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.

Regional Syrians are Not sure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Internet marketing System: "If You Bomb It, They Will Come"

The advert marketing campaign, not long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:

"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Eternally."

An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:

"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."

Community reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge reveals:

34% say "it would stabilize the area"

29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"

18% said "wherever's the nearest elevator into the West Financial institution?"

Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"

The job is presently attracting attention from international investors, like:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a foreign minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll obtain a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."

According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial level will even incorporate:

A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances

A Concept Park Named 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Place Determined by the Iraq War

Comment Segment Chaos

Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Are not able to wait around to view a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."

User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Last but not least, a hotel where my PTSD might have change-down services."

Another article from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Effect

U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Stories recommend:

China may possibly open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to construct a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten included. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."

Closing Views in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

In a very closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:

"Damascus required hope. It essential gold. It desired a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave it all three. You are welcome."